Where should I send my resignation letter?!?!

***Warning: If you have a weak stomach, you might not want to read the following post; the word "vomit" occurs frequently.***

The past 7 years have been a blast and all, but I'm ready to resign from my position as Mom now.

My children have been vomiting for days. Days! This would be really sad if they were feeling rotten and showed any signs at all of being ill... but they aren't and they don't. So, it isn't sad at all... it's frustrating and infuriating, because I'm really, REALLY tired of cleaning up vomit. Sooooooooooooooo incredibly tired of it.

We've all had a case of the sniffles that just seems to come with this time of year (by the way, I'm also ready to change my mind about my favorite season, which used to be this one). But the last time I checked, a few sniffles did not lead to emptying the contents of one's stomach, violently, a few times a day.

Damon went to school today, for the first time in almost a week. Even though he acts like he feels FINE (fine enough to run around my house like the crazy person that he is for at least 12 hours a day), he's been vomiting. And due to my own horrifying vomit-in-school incident when I was in the third grade (which ended with Mr. Kramer wearing my breakfast because I was waiting my turn patiently to ask if I could please go to the restroom), I can't bear the thought of sending my child to school if there's even the slightest chance that he might throw up there.

But today I sent him back to school... because even though my child is only in the first grade, I've been on the school's Black List for 2 years already due to poor attendance. Whenever I have to call the school for any reason, when I identify myself as Mrs. Witschey, Damon Witschey's mother, the secretary says, "ohhh, it's you." Two secretaries, actually. I'm tellin' ya, I'm ON The List.

So, he went to school today. And he was fine all day long. I was actually at the school this afternoon (National Education Week, Book Fair Day, yay!) and Damon's teacher assured me that he was perfectly healthy today and that I made a wise decision to return him to school.

Yet, he came home from school and threw up in the middle of dinner. No warning at all... he was actually enjoying his meal, for once in his life, before he took off running for the bathroom.

And Avery... well, she was pretty much fine all day, too. Until 5 minutes before we left to go to Damon's school this afternoon. She was in the bathroom washing her hands, preparing to leave, and suddenly became violently ill in the bathroom sink. I waited a while to make sure she was "okay" before we went to the school, and she was. Perfectly fine, all smiles.

She was also perfectly fine for the 1.5 hours that we spent at the school. We sat through two lessons in Damon's class, made Indian headbands and rigatoni necklaces, and shopped at the Book Fair. Everyone was smiling and healthy.

Then, on the way home, 1 mile from the house, Avery got violently ill... all over my car, all over her booster seat, all over her new rigatoni necklace. And, of course, she was fine 2 minutes later.

I'm trying to figure out what could possibly be afflicting these kids (I'm fairly certain they aren't pregnant). And, I'm losing my mind.

So, please, someone tell me where to send the resignation. Or, you know, volunteer to step in for me. I promise, ANYONE can fill this post. There is absolutely no secret trick or skill needed to clean up vomit... you can do it, too!!